It's not getting any better...

Right now, my life sucks.

My husband and I have had more arguments this week than we have in the past five years combined. I have cried more in the last eight days than I have in the whole last eight years. And, on top of everything else, I have managed to get myself a sinus infection, so the entire right side of my head is plugged shut, the right side of my face is puffed up…including a drooping eyelid which makes working on the computer a joy…my ear hurts, I’m dizzy, and I’ve had varying degrees of laryngitis since I woke up this morning. That’s not all, but unless you are into scatology, telling you more about how my body is dealing with all this would be over-sharing.

I am miserable, the most miserable I have been since Chuck died. I’m doing my part about accepting the inevitability of my situation and making genuine efforts to deal with it. But it feels like planning a funeral…it must be done and it must be done well, but I must be forgiven for my lack of enthusiasm for the task and my visceral negativity towards it.

I’m crying again. I can wrap my head…my logical, pragmatic mind…around this and make it happen. But my heart just feels like it is being simultaneously squeezed and shattered. I keep hoping I will wake up in the morning and this will all be just a horrific nightmare. But I know it is not and that next week is my husband’s last week home before he moves to Joburg, leaving me behind to deal with the agony alone.

This is going to be one of the worst Christmas seasons on record.